I flew out of San Juan two days ago to go to Oklahoma City on business and made a horrible mistake, I wore flip flops and a t-shirt on the plane. It was a 5 hour flight to Houston and within the first five minutes of taking off the temperature in the cabin went down to about 65 degrees. Now, this isn’t my first time flying so I should have remembered a sweatshirt or maybe even a ‘triple fat goose’ jacket because flights are always cold…but I didn’t. For the entire 5 hour flight I was freezing…Summer and I stayed up hanging out playing poker and blackjack in the casino, went swimming around 4:00am and went to bed around 5:00am…I woke up at 9:00 to explore San Juan’s bath stores for a new vessell sink for our guest bathroom so by the time I got on the plane…I was tired…real tired, but I was too cold to sleep.
I had about a 20 minute layover in Houston and grabbed a sweatshirt at a kiosk while running across the giant Houston Airport. The sweatshirt had the words “Texas” on it and a picture of a longhorn bull on it. I didn’t think much of it besides it was something to keep me warm…but I should have known better.
Apparently, the Texas Longhorns are a football team and they are arch rivals with the Oklahoma Sooners (also a football team). Well, in this part of the US football is a religion…and me wearing this sweatshirt around Oklahoma City is kin to wearing a ‘Muslim’s Rule’ shirt to a private meeting with the Pope in Vatican City. This morning I wore this shirt out of the Skirkin Hilton in Oklahoma City to go get some coffee and from the point of leaving my room to walking one block to “The Buzz” cafe I had 4 people tell me I had some guts wearing that sweatshirt in Oklahoma City. I laughed it off when 2 of the four people in the elevator gave me a hard time…I thought twice about it when a full size Ford pickup with a bunch of plaid button down mustached cowboys yelled about me from their truck while driving by me and I all but turned it inside out when I hear this story from the barista in the coffee shop.
Last night on the news, he heard that there is a man in Oklahoma City being charged with aggravated assault after he got into an altercation with a man in an Oklahoma City bar for wearing a Texas Longhorns t-shirt. Now, this ‘altercation’ was pretty gnarly. The Sooners (University of Oklahoma Football Team) fan was heckling the guys wearing the Longhorns shirt…the Longhorns fan went up to close out his tab and go somewhere he would be more comfortable drinking when the Sooners fan grabbed the Longhorns fan balls (testicles) and would not let go . The Sooner fan unloaded a bunch of left and right hooks on the guys face, but he still would not let go of his balls. Well, he didn’t let go until he heard them rip off of his body. Yes, the Longhorn fan ripped the balls off of this guy requiring him to receive 60 stitches to reattach his testicles.
I have two things to say.
1. Hey sports fans, it’s only a game.
2. “Easy on my balls, they’re fragile as eggs” Old Dirty Bastard