Monthly Archives: August 2007

Easy on My Balls

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I flew out of San Juan two days ago to go to Oklahoma City on business and made a horrible mistake, I wore flip flops and a t-shirt on the plane. It was a 5 hour flight to Houston and within the first five minutes of taking off the temperature in the cabin went down to about 65 degrees. Now, this isn’t my first time flying so I should have remembered a sweatshirt or maybe even a ‘triple fat goose’ jacket because flights are always cold…but I didn’t. For the entire 5 hour flight I was freezing…Summer and I stayed up hanging out playing poker and blackjack in the casino, went swimming around 4:00am and went to bed around 5:00am…I woke up at 9:00 to explore San Juan’s bath stores for a new vessell sink for our guest bathroom so by the time I got on the plane…I was tired…real tired, but I was too cold to sleep.

I had about a 20 minute layover in Houston and grabbed a sweatshirt at a kiosk while running across the giant Houston Airport. The sweatshirt had the words “Texas” on it and a picture of a longhorn bull on it. I didn’t think much of it besides it was something to keep me warm…but I should have known better.

Apparently, the Texas Longhorns are a football team and they are arch rivals with the Oklahoma Sooners (also a football team). Well, in this part of the US football is a religion…and me wearing this sweatshirt around Oklahoma City is kin to wearing a ‘Muslim’s Rule’ shirt to a private meeting with the Pope in Vatican City. This morning I wore this shirt out of the Skirkin Hilton in Oklahoma City to go get some coffee and from the point of leaving my room to walking one block to “The Buzz” cafe I had 4 people tell me I had some guts wearing that sweatshirt in Oklahoma City. I laughed it off when 2 of the four people in the elevator gave me a hard time…I thought twice about it when a full size Ford pickup with a bunch of plaid button down mustached cowboys yelled about me from their truck while driving by me and I all but turned it inside out when I hear this story from the barista in the coffee shop.

Last night on the news, he heard that there is a man in Oklahoma City being charged with aggravated assault after he got into an altercation with a man in an Oklahoma City bar for wearing a Texas Longhorns t-shirt. Now, this ‘altercation’ was pretty gnarly. The Sooners (University of Oklahoma Football Team) fan was heckling the guys wearing the Longhorns shirt…the Longhorns fan went up to close out his tab and go somewhere he would be more comfortable drinking when the Sooners fan grabbed the Longhorns fan balls (testicles) and would not let go . The Sooner fan unloaded a bunch of left and right hooks on the guys face, but he still would not let go of his balls. Well, he didn’t let go until he heard them rip off of his body. Yes, the Longhorn fan ripped the balls off of this guy requiring him to receive 60 stitches to reattach his testicles.

I have two things to say.

1. Hey sports fans, it’s only a game.
2. “Easy on my balls, they’re fragile as eggs” Old Dirty Bastard

Lingerie and Sexy Girlfriend

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I know what you are thinking, so get your mind out of the gutter. I am not going to post any pictures of my sexy girlfriend in lingerie here. What I am going to do is brag for her..because she won’t do it.

Summer works her ass off. She works a minimum of 10 hours a day 6 days a week running her company and is constantly exploring new ways of running her team and business more efficiently as well as researching new products her customers will like. One of the very important things she does for all of her Vicious Enterprises stores is Search Engine Optimization. It is a very time consuming part of her business but it is also fun because you always get to explore new ways of generating traffic to your site.

Here is the fruit of Summers labor…her store is number 1 on Google out of over 60 million results for the term “Lingerie”. Great work Summer!

Mountain Dew – Kids

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When I was in College at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, I picked up quite a few bad habits, but one in particular that is relevant to this post. Although I love to cook, I also loved cheesesteaks (I grew up just south of Atlantic City…close to Philly…the birthplace of Philly Cheesesteaks) and I often frequented a joint called Jersey Mikes. I would always order their chicken cheesesteaks and get a large fountain soda of Mountain Dew. This was probably a weekly lunch staple for about 3 months until it came to an abrupt stop…because of a visit to the Dentist. Aparently, Mountain Dew is so full of sugar and acids it can do quick work damaging your teeth and I had 3 cavaties. The doctor told me I just shouldn’t drink the stuff…that not only was it bad for my teeth, but it was overall a bad thing for my body.

Fast forward about 10 years. Summer and I moved to Puerto Rico and my days involve coffee at the local bakery every morning and then a bunch of other fun stuff involving work and finishing our house.

About three days ago, when I was in the Puntas Bakery waiting for my coffee, I saw a new (just a guess) father holding his maybe 5 month old baby. Now, Summer and I have been talking about kids in our future (not near) so for some reason I am starting to notice kids and parents in my daily routine. Now, the reason for this entire rant is that I saw him dipping his straw into his Mountain Dew, plugging the other end with his thumb to create enough suction to fill up the straw, and then putting the straw into his babies mouth and letting the contents (Fucking Mountain Dew) drain into his babies mouth. I saw him do this 3 or 4 times in a row and I realized that any idiot can have kids (that makes me a perfect candidate). If an adult body has a hard time dealing with Mountain Dew, what is a babies body going to do with it?

I was just blown away by this guys stupidity…I know there is no manual to be a parent…but come on. Mountain Dew?